I am in love! Oh my God, I have been in love since I gained gyaan-knowledge! I have been very sincere but, Love eludes me. It is always like holding up the kite, no matter how hard I pull it down, never comes near. Happy to entice from far! Sometimes, I feel cheated and even feel its an illusion? Or do I like Love to be that way- elusive. I don’t know.
If I get my Love I would be Happy there after. There are many a moments when Love came so near, but takes a different form and flies away. And again a frantic search begins. I am losing hope . Only time I am near to my Love is in the dreams – Day dreams! She rides with me on my bicycle, the old hero bicycle, hugging me. I am just pedaling without exhaustion. Cities pass by but I am not exhausted. All the dreams go crashing the moment I stop pedaling! Goddamn! would have waited for a moment, was going to be kissed. uhhh!
My Love, these days, is playing with my mind, as never before. My Love is good at writing poems, but wrote nothing about me. So mean!
Earlier, she used to travel with me in the bus sharing the same dream of driving in a car. She had the same wish to be in the company of friends! And friends were the only solace I had from the longing for love. Life was simple then, with She being always in sight and life passed with a hope to see her and a hope that she will develop a liking for me!
In college, she reminded me of the uncertain future ahead! “Where will you go for higher studies, how will you buy your dream car? How will you be able to woo girls with nothing in hand?” She said that!
There were moments when I was joyful and that’s when everything around me grew big enough to make me happy! But those moments became very less and hardly come these days. These days My Love travels in imported cars, in the lonely roads of the foreign country, makes movies and stays with the stars. Love is taking all the forms of comforts I never had and dreamed of. Love is going with the likes of successful people, my colleagues, people with friends, which I could not bear. ‘I am different’, told myself but to no use. Only time I liked her was when she was involved in social work. She started to haunt me and remind me what I wanted and what I don’t have.
Go away! I shout but Love comes with more force. I felt cheated and failed and the mere sight of her made me angry! Everything could make me angry so easily when I have decided that I could never achieve my Love and I am a failure!
One day, I was lying dejected and she comes to me. I try to shove her away. She holds my face in her arms and says, “YOU WERE LOOKING FOR ME EVERYWHERE – IN LOVER, IN MONEY, CARS, COMFORTS, JOB, POSITION… BUT NEVER CARED TO LOOK INSIDE YOU!” I am confused, what are you saying? That’s when I stopped and took stock! The moments I was happy were when in the company of like minded friends, little kids, in laughter and family. I was happy in the brief moments I was involved in work without worrying about what’s going to happen.
I found my Lost Love, my Happiness at last! At least I like that feeling to have found it, just for now!
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY